I’m on this selfish kick. I feel like I struggle because I feel a lot of guilt because I have expectations of myself and I make promises that I can’t fulfill. I want to feel good about myself or have other people like me in all of my roles: coworker (in the past), friend, family, daughter, wife, and now mom. So I think of what I could be doing better and then create this expectation for myself. And then the guilt starts because there is no way I’m going to live up to that expectation. I also tend to make promises to people that I can’t fulfill, or if not promises, I give them the idea that things are gonna happen that never will happen. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve thrown ideas out about super cool things I want to do with friends. If I had actually planned and attended all of the coffee dates, dinner parties, vacations, movies and other activities I “intended” to, I would never be home. This especially happens when I meet new friends. I’m like “Oh you’re super cool, we should hang out again,” and then at some point I realize I don’t even hang out with my very very best friends.
Depending on how many responsibilities I currently have, I am better or worse at struggling with perfection in too many roles. The problem I see with this is that when I’m concentrating on some vision of perfection all I really care about is what other people think, or what I think will make me happy. Both of these objectives totally defeat the purpose! I’m thinking about my wedding, for instance. I cried serious tears because my husband wanted to have a reception at our house. Since I objected that there were too many issues, such as lack of space and parking and on and on…. He then suggested we have it at the park down the street. Man did I sob. He couldn’t figure out what my problem was. I couldn’t figure out what his problem was! LOL. But now I know. He wasn’t concerned with some ideal of perfection, some glamorous and showy spectacle that proved the specialness of the occasion. He didn’t believe the magnitude of the party somehow correlated to the magnitude of our love or of the success of our marriage. He just wanted to party with our peeps. That is all, plain and simple. Once I realized he had a point, and I let go of my idea of perfection and expectations, and what other people would think, I started to realize I just wanted to see my family and friends on that special day. Of course we still had expectations to make it special, like yummy food and stuff, and when the flys descended en masse, I didn’t freak. I was so joyful on that day :D
My expectations always start out of hand and then continue to grow to monumental heights until I am overwhelmed to the point of inactivity (or procrastination, or surfing the internet, or writing this blog post discussing my issue). Another example: I decided at some point that I would like to write letters to my friends and family back in NM, since I love them and miss them and do not want to lose that connection. So I start with deciding to use cool stationary, decide I should include a small gift (a novelty pen, some chocolate, or something cutesy), I also need some cool stamps, Oooo maybe I should get some stickers to decorate the envelope or the letter, Oh and what about colored pens to write the letter… And it just gets bigger and more complex until the only way to write a letter is to go to hobby lobby, walmart, the grocery store, the specialty boutique I went to three weeks ago… and on and on. So far I’ve written one letter. I feel guilty because I should send letters to all my loveys. Writing a letter brought me a lot of joy. So, the problem is not writing a letter. The problem is my crazy idea of perfection, and my expectations, are getting in the way of me experiencing more joy.
So why do I think I’m on a selfish kick? Because I think that when I realized that I don’t have the time, the energy, or the ability to be perfect, I decided I just want to be joyful fulfilling my responsibilities. I have a lot of things I have to get done, but I don’t want to feel tired, and guilty and sad that I am not the best housekeeper, wife, or mom. Screw it, already (see? that’s the selfish part). I can be joyful doing one thing and doing that one thing simply and maybe even half-assed. Some things just need to get done. My plan is to put some good tunes on the radio and decide that I don’t need to finish my task, or perfect my task, I just need to enjoy life a little.
Comments welcome :)
Obama for America: In which the President calls the NASA'S Mars Science Laboratory "Curiosity" Rover Team, and calls out Mohawk Guy -
THE PRESIDENT: Your hard work is now paying dividends, because our expectation is that “Curiosity” is going to be telling us things that we did not know before and laying the groundwork for an even more audacious undertaking in the future, and that’s a human mission to the Red Planet.
Incredibox - a beatbox toy. Fun.
Aww so fun!
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denisegarnand asked: How do I post comments on your blogs?
Good questions!!! I checked and you can’t yet :( I have to add in a widget or something. I’ll work on it soon. xoxo